Mama Gonna Clock You Out!

This is wrong is so many ways.

First of all, the groovy early '70s tunic. We're talking Osmond Brothers era here. People were still mourning the Beatles. Bras were smoldering, but not yet burning.

I never knew that the purpose of a nursing uniform was to cause a disturbance in the cardiac function of anyone with an MD who happened to be in the vicinity.

I must have missed that lecture in pathology.

The ad also assumes the doctor this nurse will be working with is of the male persuasion.

The only good thing I can say about this ad is that it shows a woman of color in a professional capacity. If my memory serves me correctly, I don't remember seeing a lot of that back then.

Of course, I could be wrong. It could be an ad for ensuring the health of our medical doctors by assessing their blood pressure every shift, and making sure that nurses act as "gatekeepers", so the physician is never stressed beyond his capacity to cope.

Pardon me, I have a strong urge to gag.

With all due respect to my male nursing colleagues, we've come a long way, ladies.

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

A few posts ago I mentioned that the giant health conglomerate for which I (happily) work, decided to implement a new procedure that requires everyone to now clock in and out for both their shift and their lunch break. (Not the doctors; they are not hospital employees).

I find this to be professionally insulting.

There is a seven minute leeway in terms of signing in and out, which is good.

You can punch out at 23 minutes after the hour and still be paid in full or you can punch in 7 minutes after you are due into the unit and still be on time.

So, you're thinking, what's the problem?

Well, this seven-minute leeway does not apply to the lunch period. If you punch in one minute too late after your lunch break, you get docked 15 minutes of pay.

Being nurses, we have learned how to exploit the system.

Here's how:

• Rule One: Never pee on your own time. All urination is done while "on the clock" be it before or after your break is done.

• Rule Two: One nurse must make coffee before actually swiping out. This is so the rest of us may enjoy our cups without having to make it "off the clock".

• Rule Three: All food is purchased from the cafeteria before punching out. Most of us just run down there and buy what we want during the beginning hour or two of the shift so that it is ready for us on our "official" break. Plus, the first nurse can report on what is being served that day.

• Rule Four: all food is heated in the microwave on company time. Some of those meals take 10 minutes to heat up, allowing only 20 minutes to eat and digest, leading to acid indigestion and requiring us to sneak Maalox from the till. So you see, this is in the company's best interest.

• Rule Five: YOU DO NOT INTERRUPT THE NURSE ON HER BREAK FOR ANY REASON OTHER THAN THE DEATH OF ANOTHER NURSE ON DUTY, AND THEN ONLY IF NO ONE CAN WATCH HER PATIENTS.
  

• Rule Six: take the little timer thingy and time it to allow yourself 30 seconds to get to the clock to swipe back in.

• Rule Seven: Don't stand at the time clock waiting for just the right time to punch out. It makes you look like cattle waiting for the rancher to open the stall. Either punch out early and take the dock or keep working until it's time to go.
  

So, as you can see, we pretty much have it covered. I personally like to do crossword puzzles or that damned new puzzle, Soduku on my break, so I make sure that I have the paper folded "just so" and my good pen and that the couch in the breakroom is clear before I punch out.

Gee, just what I thought my life would be like as a PROFESSIONAL REGISTERED NURSE.

Run by the clock.