Hitchhiker's Guide to the Emergency Department

During your travel among the galaxies, it is possible that you will require some form of health care. On Earth, the primary means of obtaining such services is through what Earth inhabitants refer to as an "Emergency Department". It is well for you to remember the Hitchhiker's motto:

It is in the Emergency Departments of Earth that you will learn first-hand about the concepts of "sitting" and "waiting". You will first be directed to an area where you will "sit" and "wait" for a process called "Triage", where you will be instructed to "sit" and give the Nurse your entire health history, unless of course the ED, as it is called, is horrendously busy at which point nobody cares about the nose bleed you had on Alpha Centauri last millennium. You will then be instructed to a room where you will "sit" and "wait" to be assigned a planetary medical source number, or in Earth parlance, be "registered".

Once you are called to "Registration", you will "sit" and give the data collector your planetary information. As in Triage, this will have to be done verbally, as earthlings are not equipped with telepathic sensors. This does not, however keep some earthlings from assuming that nurses and doctors already know everything about them because it is "in the chart". Oh, and do speak in English as Babelfish are not indigenous to the planet. However, if you have landed anywhere in the region known as California, Spanish works just as well as it seems to be the main language of approximately 51.8% of the population. You will then resume "sitting" and "waiting".

You will then be escorted to a health care cubicle where you will be instructed to replace your clothing with what appears to be a garment of dubious construction. The doctor will then arrive and, while you "sit", proceed to ask you the same questions presented to you in Triage. It is important that you vary your story slightly in key areas, in keeping with the Earth tradition of never telling the same story to both doctor and nurse. Should you need to see a specialist, who will ask you the exact same questions you have already answered twice before, you can vary the story a second time, thereby insuring that the ER doctor and nurse look like, as they say on Earth, idiots.

Once the physical examination is complete, you will "sit" and "wait" for serum to be taken from your portals. You will "sit" and "wait" for radiographic photos and something known as a Computerized Axial Tomography scan of your cranium. Having completed that, you can "sit" and "wait" for the results.

It is possible that while "sitting" and "waiting", you received a consciousness-altering plant derivative highly sought after by earthlings with cranial discomfort. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Medical Edition suggests that you do not travel through hyperspace for 24 hours after reception of such derivatives and that you refrain from drinking Pan Galactic Gargle-Blasters for 48 hours. Virgin Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters, are, however, permitted. Ignoring these recommendations could result in quite forceful regurgitation of gastric contents. While this is considered a polite compliment on Seti Alpha 5, it is quite repugnant to earthlings.

Once the doctor releases you from the health care area, you will "sit" and "wait" for discharge instructions. They are rarely read or followed by the average earthling. You may find them of interest as a cultural artifact. They are given on the theory of "covering one's derriere", although earthlings do not attach them to that area. The precise origin of this theory is rumored to be related to an Earth game called "suing" where great sums of currency are given to the "sue-er" after a big competition to see who has the better attorney, the patient or the hospital.

The End

(My apologies to the late Douglas Adams. I was watching "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" on DVD last night and couldn't resist a parody.)